Stupid Blogger.

And why the hell can't I separate my paragraphs??

Hot Dogs and Weenies.

Just when I thought I'd about seen it all, along comes something like this. What is this? Well, aside from resembling a giant, robotic tampon, this is a patio heater. Neat, eh?

Let me tell you something... Patio heaters are stupid.

The premise behind this invention is that it burns propane and radiates heat onto your porch, deck or patio. What's wrong with that, you ask?

Everything. See if you can follow my logic, here:

When are you most likely to use your backyard? In the summer.

What's the weather like in the summer (assuming you live anywhere except the Arctic, for the time being)? Hot.

So if it's hot in the summer, why do you need a patio heater?? "Oh, but the nights get cool!" And you wonder why I'm losing my hair? Put on some fucking jeans, a pair of socks and a goddamn sweatshirt for cryin' out loud!!

All you're doing is contributing to smog, pollution and climate change in exchange for a 6-foot circle of warmth because you're too damned lazy to go change your clothes!

What's even more absurd is that if it gets too hot outside, these people are the first ones to say "Oh, it's too hot to be outside on the patio. Let's stay in where it's cooler", and they head inside the house that has been airconditioned to the approximate temperature of permafrost (not that there's much of that left anymore...).

And while we're on the subject of outdoor oddities...Can someone explain to me the fascination behind purchasing and installing a hot tub in the summer? A HOT tub, people!! HOT water goes in it!!

Again, it seems to make more sense to me that if you want to escape the unbearable heat, you'd want to jump into a body of cool water. Not a bubbling cauldron of bacterial media. Or maybe I'm just too old fashioned or something.

So which is going to be? Do you want it hot or cold? I hate to tell you this, but you and all your spoiled, rich buddies will not be able to maintain the world's temperature at a comfortable 22 degrees (Celcius, of course), no matter how many atmosphere-destroying gadgets you employ.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with temperatures at all. Could it be that you just want to look like a hot-shot and show off more of your completely unnecessary material possessions to make up for your lack of substantial genitalia?

Why don't you get out of the sun, go lay down on your tanning bed and think about it for a while?