Upselling? Up Yours.

I'm sick and tired.

I'm sick of the unending sales pitches we all must endure in this consumer-crazed society. I'm tired of people trying to sell me things - especially when I have zero interest in what they're pitching. And what's worse is that they come at you with all the subtlety of a 1960s-era door-to-door vacuum salesman jamming his foot into your doorway after you've said 'no' twice already.

You run into a convenience store to buy milk -- and nothing else. You place your purchase on the counter, money in hand, and then the clerk says: "Do you want a lottery ticket today?"

This is upselling and it has become a business-world obsession. One of these days I'm just going to lose it on the guy at the cash. I know it's not his fault. He doesn't make the store's policy. But this is a major pet peeve of mine (yes, I have a few) and poor Habib just happens to be on the front lines.

Let me tell you something...I'm already patronizing your business by being here. If I wanted any other product, I'd ask for it. Don't insult me with your transparent upselling. Just give me my goddamned change already.

Oh sure, I understand the rationale of the technique. I'll bet that one quarter of the people asked if they "want a lottery ticket today," will buy one. Lottery tickets, a couple of chocolate bars, a newspaper and a chapstick. All of a sudden, my $5 milk run turns into $10 worth of crap. And Captain Corporation is happy.

Did you ever notice that when you go to a fast-food joint, the zitty wiener behind the counter will ask you, "Would you like Coke with that?" Obviously that's a contract clause Coke has hammered out with the organization.

I read a statistic that claimed 9 out of 10 people when asked, "Do you want a Coke?" will order one. Score one for Coke, eh? (Actually, score nine)

The other infuriating tactic at fast-food places is the line: "Will that be all?"

Oh for the love of God!! If I wanted something else, don't you think I'm smart enough to ask for it? Just go get my frickin' Happy Meal before I leap over the counter claw your eyes out!"

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be if the conversation were to go like this?:

"Can I take your order?"
"I'd like a Big Mac."
"Will that be all?"
"And I'd like fries."
"Will that be all?"
"And I'd like a Coke."
"Will that be all?"
"And an apple pie."
"Will that be all?"

You'd be there for a bloody hour placing your order for entire family!

Again, I can't blame the staffers who are commanded to endlessly repeat the mindless upselling mantras. I blame their stupid corporate slave drivers.

Upselling is everywhere and it just never stops.

I can't count the number times I have been badgered to buy insurance, credit cards and other financial products from my own bank. The greedy, money-sucking bastard of a bank already has all my money AND they own my house AND both of my cars! And now they want more??

Just last week, I got a letter from them and the headline is: "Authorization needed to activate your benefits." Inside there's a bold headline: "Second Notification" - something like you'd get if you were late making a payment. But it's simply another pitch to herd me into buying accidental death insurance from them. The bigawesomefabulous deal they offer for free is a whopping $1,000 of it "for up to 10 years." Wow! How impressive! I better return this form right away. Thanks for letting me know, Bank of a Billion-Dollar Profits.

It really pisses me off that I'm required to give a heap of personal information to a bank and then the officials there abuse it by trying to sell me things I don't want.

I know who you are. I know what you do. If I have any questions, I'll contact you. I think I'll make that my protest chant.

So, what do we do? My first suggestion would be urinating on the cash register, but I suppose a more appropriate course of action might be to calmly and politely say something like: "I don't appreciate being asked that question. Could you please tell your senior managers that I find these upselling questions offensive and you will lose me as a customer?"

The only way to battle the constant pitch is to bitch. Do it politely (if you must), but firmly. If that doesn't work, then try the peeing thing.

Can I sell you on that approach?

(with thanks to Kerry Diotte)