Dog Bites.

Lassie. Petey. Hooch. Mr. Mugs. Bingo.

All famous dogs from different eras and different genres. But in the end, they're all just noisy, smelly, disgusting creatures for which I have little time or patience.

Yes, I'm probably going to take some heat from you dog lovers out there, but let me tell you something… you people can go hump a stump. The only thing that might come close to being as annoying as dogs would have to be their smug, self-righteous owners. You're right up there with SUV drivers. I realize I'm making broad-brush stereotyping statements, but if you're bothered by that fact, then you must be new here.

Dogs are simply an assault on the senses and I really can't think of any good use for them, other than providing the occasional comic relief in a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon.

Sight -- Forget about all those cutsie puppy pictures with their big brown eyes or the orchestrated poses in a hat and sunglasses. Forget about the stupid dog show dogs that have had the time, money and attention given to them that orphaned children can barely dream about. Those aren't even real dogs. Real dogs are the ones that come barrelling at you from out of the bog, fur all dripping and matted with slime and mud just pleased as punch to launch themselves upon you as a means of saying hello, while their owners are only a quarter mile away yelling "don't worry, he won't bite!" I'm sorry, but you can't explain that to a 4-year old. This is the equivalent to having a moose charge at you from out of the swamp while the owner yells from across the pond "don't worry". Coming eye to eye with a huge, slobbery creature is scary as hell. You can't tell me you wouldn't shit yourself.

Sound -- Oh my God, the nonstop and usually pointless barking/yapping/howling is enough to drive an old man nuttier than a fruit bat. Why must they bark at the most inopportune times? I'd love to sit in my back yard with a beer and watch my dandelions and crabgrass grow in peace and quiet, but ol' Rover down the street saw his reflection in his water dish and is going into cerebral apoplexy trying to get it to play with him. Owners, here's an idea: when your mutt has been barking incessantly for the past 90 minutes, perhaps you'd be willing to try something other than screaming "ROVER! STOP IT!". It obviously doesn't work and you're only adding to my noise pollution. How about bringing the dog inside? What's that, you say? You can't bring him inside because he won't stop barking and it's too disturbing? No shih tzu! Better to have him bark his head off outside and bother the neighbourhood, than actually take responsibility for your pet and attend to whatever's bothering him.

Smell -- Dogs stink. Plain and simple. Oh sure, you can give them a bath with all the lavender and tea-tree oil you can find, but guaranteed within 48 hours they'll be as rotten as gorgonzola cheese in a jock strap. Few smells are more uniquely offensive than that of a wet dog, and once its on your hands and clothes, it sure is a bitch-in-heat to get rid of. When is someone going to invent a deoderant for dogs?

Oh, and for the love of crap stop sniffing my crotch already! Man, if I could fart on command, I'd give ol' Scooby a nasal snack...

Taste -- Most of us will never have the opportunity to actually taste a dog unless you're into travelling the back streets of Southeast Asia. So for this section, I'd like to spend a few moments pondering what humans taste like. We must be yummy because how else do you explain why dogs insist on licking us all the time? Many owners will be quick to tell you that a dog's mouth is actually cleaner than a human's. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Any animal that licks its own ass, sniffs other animals' asses, drinks from a toilet and eats practically anything from off the ground will NOT have a cleaner mouth than me. These people that allow their dog to lick their teeth are just sick.

Touch -- Dogs have soft hair. Or fur. Whatever. At least most of them do, so that's not really my beef. My problem is going over to someone's house, spending 15 minutes there and then leaving looking like I'm wearing a hair shirt. It doesn't matter whether you've got a woolly mammoth sheep dog or nearly-naked chihuahua -- if it has hair, it's going to shed. And it's going to stick to my socks, pants and shirt for the next 4 weeks (along with the smell, don't forget), regardless of how many times I vacuum or wash or vacuum the wash.

And what is with the nails? Dogs don't climb trees, so why must they have nails like eagle talons? He's not hunting prey for cryin' out loud. Do you people enjoy refinishing your hardwood floors every year? Trim his nails!


There may be some upsides to owning a dog, but after considering all the feeding required, the steaming piles of gag-inducing shit to clean up and dealing with the "midnight music" (the Huck...Huck…Hyaaackkk!! as Fido recycles his dinner onto your carpet in the middle of the night), you might as well just have kids. They may not be as loyal or as trustworthy a companion as a dog, but at least the odds of you having your face chewed off are somewhat reduced.