Tearing a Strip(per) Off

In this world there are a lot of things that people argue and fight about. Politics, religion, money, the utility of Paris Hilton. But there is one topic that I've come to discover that is particularly divisive: Strippers.

You can call it what you want -- the ballet, the peelers, exotic dancers, a gentleman's club -- but it all comes down to the same thing: girls taking their clothes off. And let me tell you something… there's nothing wrong with it.

Now, I'm a far cry from being the Norm Peterson of strip clubs -- where everybody knows my name -- but I've been to my share so I figure that makes me just enough of an expert to tell you how it is.

First off, I can tell you that most guys will agree that once you've seen one set of boobs, you want to see them all. No four are alike. You girls should consider yourselves privileged to have such fascinating parts. I know I would. Look at it this way… Guys want so badly to see as many naked women as they can that they're willing to pay a $10 cover, $9 for a beer and fork over the rest of the rent money to see them. Is that not flattering?

And just because a guy is no longer a bachelor, doesn't mean his quest for the breast is over. It just means he's guaranteed a peek at the perkies on a more frequent (and much less expensive) basis. Being married means you've vowed not to love (or sleep with) any other. There's nothing in the vows that says he can't look at other women, regardless of their state of undress.

Secondly, not all strip clubs are the same. There are establishments that are more upscale than others. And I know that sounds like saying "I read 'Gang Bang Goth Girls' for the articles". But it's true. Both statements.

The high-class places are easily recognizable by the conspicuous lack of Harleys in the parking lot. Yes, there are dancers on a stage and naked girls wandering the floor, but they all have their original teeth. And there are no bullet holes in the wall. Of course, on the flip side, there are houses of ill-repute that resemble the club from the movie From Dusk Till Dawn. The girls tend to be...how shall I put it?... old and scary.

But to make a broad-brush statement, classifying all strip clubs as filthy smut houses is simply untrue. And it's unfair to the clean smut houses. In fact, it tends to be the seedier joints that provide the most educational experiences.

Mini Life Lesson # 1: if you hear "Dude Looks Like a Lady" start to play, you'd best be heading home. Don't invite "her" over to your table unless you're looking for a rather innovative stir stick for your drink.

Mini Life Lesson # 2: when the Romanian girl who just arrived in the country that afternoon with virtually zero English says to you "Want come with?", don't assume she means "would you like to walk with me?" A little clarification will avoid an extremely awkward moment.

Another misconception is that the girls are just air-headed bimbos and/or prostitutes and/or druggies. Some aren't. For some girls, this is a serious business; a stepping stone to get them to Hollywood or Lord of the Dance. Take Nikki Reed, for example. She was "just" a poor stripper at The Bayou, trying to find her place in the world until she was discovered by Victor Newman. It wasn't long before she became one of the most powerful and respected business women in all of Genoa City. She wasn't stupid. Just young and restless.

And it takes courage to get up on that stage in front of all those strangers and take your clothes off. From what I remember, it takes at least 5 beers and 3 whiskey shots for a girl to peel down to your Spiderman boxers. Um...I mean…down to her G-string.

Listen…Yes, there are some disgusting places with skanky 'hos masquerading as exotic dancers. But many are simply places where guys can go to watch the game on the big screen and the stripping is secondary and barely noticed. (I was going to say 'hardly' noticed, but thought 'barely' was the lesser of the two unintentional puns). Sports, beer and naked women all in the same room -- that's called Man Heaven. Lookie lookie, no touchie touchie. It's just harmless entertainment.

Don't knock the naked knockers until you've danced 3 songs in their stilettos.