Parental Guidance Suggested

Ladies and gentlemen, I have uncovered yet another world-wide conspiracy. This time, the conspiracy relates to society's need to recruit single people for marriage and then engage in procreation -- again and again and sometimes again.

Let me tell you something….Take a look at your life and see if this hasn't happened to you (maybe it's happening right now!):

You and your single friends are happily going through life, doing your thing. Sooner or later, someone in the circle announces that he/she is getting married. Before you know it, somebody else makes the announcement. This continues until all but one or two of you remain single. And then one day one of your married friends (or perhaps all of them at once) says to you "So when are you going to get married? It's so much better than being single." This friend may list out several reasons of dubious validity as to why being married is better than being single. So you get to thinking "Yeah! I need to be married!" and the next thing you know you're all dressed up and walking down the aisle with a smile painted on your face because you've just joined the elite Married Folks Club.

Just when the lustre of wedded bliss starts to fade a little and you come to the realization that being married isn't as much of an amusement park ride as your friends made it out to be, one of your married friends announces that a baby is on the way. Baby arrives and, oh my, their world is beautiful, amazing and full of fun and they natter on incessantly about how fabulous it is to be parents and, speaking of which, when are you going to have a baby? And then it happens… your other friends start having babies and they all start to extol the virtues of being parents.

It all sounds pretty good to you. Just look how happy they seem! They have such great stories about their new bundles of joy that you fail to notice the luggage of sleeplessness under their eyes and the deepening creases around the corners of their mouth. And you so badly want to contribute to the conversation that forever revolves around Elmo, where to pick up rash cream and the best ways to get puke out of suede.

So you have a baby. But soon after having your baby, these friends start introducing second children into the mix. Inevitably, they get to asking you when you'll be having a second child. This typically begins when the first child is roughly 18 months old -- this is an important milestone in the conspiracy. And many people cave once again and have a second child.
It is at this point that the conspiracy starts to fray and recruiting more members becomes tricky.

"But, OMC," you might say, "this doesn't sound like a conspiracy. It sounds more like the conventional, societal way of life."

Yes, boys and girls. That's exactly what the conspiracy wants you to believe. It all boils down to one simple adage: Misery loves company.

The single folk have been drawn into marriage by other married folk, believing the stories of how great married life is. Once married, these people see how good they had it when they were single, but since they can't go back to singlehood (not easily, anyways), they opt for recruiting the remaining single people into the Married Folks Club so that everyone is once again on the same playing field.

Same thing happens when the first babies start arriving. People with kids rave to those with no kids about how great it is being parents and they keep this up until those people have their first child. If I'm going to be constantly fatigued and smelling vaguely of poo, then I want someone to comiserate with. Levelling the playing field.

Right around the year-and-a-half to two-year mark after having your first child, your friends start having second children. You look at these precious little helpless infants, just lying there quietly. Cute, cuddly, soft and warm. And then you look at your little hellion who is running around, banging his head on the wall because you gave him strawberry jam on his toast instead of raspberry jam and you think "remember when he was just a baby and we didn't have to deal with this? Maybe we should have another baby." BLAM! You've just been rooked by the conspiracy again. And the playing field has been levelled once more. But here's where the conspiracy becomes a little more transparent.

Once that second child arrives, THAT'S when you realize that you forgot to consider the sleepless nights, the screaming fits of colic, the puke, the diarrhea etc. in your decision to expand your family, and the grip of the conspiracy weakens. So when those friends come and ask if there will be a third child (and you'll notice that there are considerably LESS of these friends), many are wise enough to say "No way, Jack. I'm not going through that again."

Of course there are families out there with more than 2 children, but this is because those parents have minds like a sieve or they believe the theory that it gets easier after the 2nd child. Run for the hills if anyone tries to sell you that line. There's no way in hell it can be easier with more children. No. Way.

Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that everyone who is married regrets their decision, or that everyone with children is miserable and envious of those without. Take me, for example... I'm married and have 2 children. I love my wife and I love being married. Both my kids are great and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I have a pretty good life.

You should try it.